Unlocking Relationship Harmony: How to get more of what you need

Couple Holding Hands

As a healer, I sometimes here people who express this frustration about their partners: “How could they possibly not have known that!?” It’s a common theme, and often a little tricky. When we get into the details, I often discover something surprising: it’s not that they weren’t understood—it’s that they haven’t actually told their partners what they want. But people don’t usually see the gap in that scenario, they often believe that if their partner truly cared, or was actually paying attention, they would know without having to be told. And the fact that they didn’t know means a whole bunch of negative things about their partner, how little their partner cares about things and the state of the relationship.

This notion that that love should come with a magical ability to read minds is pretty widespread, and it’s not surprising why. A quick scroll through movies or books showcases countless grand gestures—surprise romantic dinners or gifts appearing out of nowhere—where one partner seems to anticipate the other’s needs perfectly. Sometimes it’s just knowing how someone likes their laundry being folded! And while these moments can be swoon-worthy, even the laundry part, they also create an unrealistic expectation that everything should just fall into place without anyone having to say a word. Heartwarming? Yes. Realistic? Not so much.

These portrayals create a somewhat skewed version of relationships, leading us to believe that all it takes for a thriving partnership is finding that one “perfect match” who just gets you. This fairy-tale mindset can cause individuals to miss the mark on what truly builds a strong relationship: communication and understanding. Instead of focusing on the necessary work, and any resistance, to identifying and expressing our desires, we risk falling into a pattern of silent expectations that can lead to a host of relationship issues and resentment.

Expecting your partner to know what you want without any prompts is not just unfair; it’s a bit of a relationship trap. Each time our unsaid desires go unnoticed, it can chip away at the connection, fostering feelings of neglect. And as frustration builds, communication often takes a backseat, leading to a downward spiral of misunderstandings.

We live in a world where we seem to think that if someone truly cares, they should naturally understand our needs. While it feels romantic in theory, in practice, it often leads to frustration on both sides. When one partner doesn’t meet those silent expectations, it can feel like a lack of love, resulting in hurt feelings and lingering resentment.

When we lean on our partners to fulfill our emotional needs without clearly communicating them, we bypass the chance to deepen our connection. As we shy away from discussions about what we really want, we miss the opportunity for self-discovery and emotional growth. Some people might not even be fully aware of their own needs, which can make it hard to articulate for someone else. And others may have a history of having their needs ignored or even used against them. All these things make it harder to talk through what we want, and easier to put the silent responsibility on them to figure it out.

This avoidance can create a perfect storm of negative emotions, hurt feelings, misunderstandings, and eventually, disconnection. When challenges arise, trying to tackle them can feel overwhelmingly daunting, especially if both partners are unsure of what’s really going on in each other’s hearts.

Embracing self-awareness and communication is key here, two key ingredients for a healthy relationship. Start by taking the time to reflect on your own needs and desires. You might journal, chat with close friends, or even seek out some therapeutic guidance. The clearer you become on what you want, the easier it is to express those needs to your partner. If you’re still feeling stuck, give yourself permission to seek out some help. It may not be something you can shift by yourself, but with a little support from the outside, you’ll be able to get momentum.

And when you’re ready to share, approach those conversations with openness and vulnerability. Be mindful and kind in your language and consider it an opportunity to foster intimacy and build trust. By voicing your feelings and needs, you can create a space where both you and your partner feel comfortable sharing and exploring ways to support one another better.

Communication is the ultimate love language. In the grand tapestry of relationships, the most profound connections are woven together through the threads of understanding and open dialogue. While movies and stories may glorify spontaneous romantic gestures, the real magic happens in the everyday conversations that forge deeper emotional bonds.

Evaluate how your partner’s doing not by how well they read your mind, but how well they listen and are willing to do the work to incorporate your needs and desires. Become a champion for the beauty of transparency and open communication. By nurturing this skill, partners can dismantle resentment and conflict while building a foundation of empathy and mutual respect.  Because isn’t really about the grand gestures—it’s those little moments of connection, understanding, and shared vulnerability that make a relationship truly remarkable.

Take a deep breath and dive in.